I need a God that I can get behind

So when I look into the eyes of devastation, I can say “God loves you” and won’t feel like i’m lying

what kind of love lets humans have their way?

I don’t like to say “i’m praying for you” because its not true

but also because my prayers are so flaccid

I talk to God

ask Him every question a good journalist would. or yell at him really quietly so he doesn’t smite me



either way He pleads the fifth

and I feel my cheeks warm because either i’m insane for believing or i’ve been unfaithful

Sometimes, when i’m desperate, I ask him for favors, usually world peace, and this makes me feel better

I repent

Then I open my eyes and He’s not there

because i’m blind? or a raving lunatic?

Sometimes I stumble across something of the Transcendent and I feel God flick my bones

an empty street

my nephew’s laugh

a summer thunderstorm

my father’s wrinkled hands

the smell of pine trees

a vulnerable body

lukewarm tea

Then I know.

But if there is Love behind this crazy mess how can He just sit there while we shatter

I call my mother and the earth mama

I call God dear and sometimes mystery man

I would never call my mama a bad name

I don’t think God’s a man

But men have hurt me and loved me and understood me better than most other genders so it seems reasonable

God, if you’re listening–

I wonder how many times that’s been said–

I can’t help but believe in you

but I don’t know how to know you

how to be okay with your tolerance

Teach me your ways

or better yet,


change them.




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